Maureen is an incredibly, incredibly old woman from Ballisodare in Co. Sligo who, after months of fear and hysteria surrounding the changeover to Saorview, has now gone on to receive her first ever fibre optic broadbrand package.
Maureen shook Sinatra's hand during his secret 1963 visit to the Rosses Point Hotel - and is widely regarded as the inspiration behind his decision to cover Fred Astaire's The Way You Look Tonight. She also has a pet swan named Bunt.
Maureen will join us on the Sliced Pan every week to answer your questions on relationships, sex, swans, drugs, tea and pretty much anything else you can think of, including pizza babies and her Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
I write looking for advice on birds, as I know you love your swan.
Since May I have been woken every morning at exactly 05:20 to 10 Jackdaws shouting and roaring just under my bedroom window. These annoying birds have nested in my front porch.
As I was nearly gone off my chuck, I decided to create a scarecrow but felt I lacked the raw materials, so instead I put my young daughter's full size cut-out of Niall Horan up against my bedroom window. Since doing this there hasn't been sight nor sound of the jackdaws and I am getting my sleep ins in the morning.
Can you tell if it is Niall doing the trick or have the jackdaws just moved on? If it is indeed Niall, I think it would be an interest to farmers, and also Niall himself could have something to fall back on if One Direction continue to implode following Zayn's departure.
I certainly do love my dotey little swan, Bunt, and thanks for giving him a mention. He's pecking at the window here trying to migrate north for the summer but he's going nowhere near Donegal, the fecking divil.
Regarding your query - it's highly likely that the sudden silence of your porch's jackdaws is closely linked to Niall's appearance at your window. There are a number of possibilities why the jackdaws will have moved on having seen the young man from Mullingar.
For one thing, Niall's poxy peroxide hair looks like silage. Maybe they thought he was a scarecrow. For another, given that it's summer, the sun reflecting off his teeth may have torched the nest through some sort of 'magnifying glass effect.' Or, astute as they are, perhaps they just think he's a bit of a gobshite.
It's certainly some form of consolation to Niall that he makes an effective scarecrow during this turbulent time for his band, Wand Erection, having lost the one that looked a bit like a deer. I'll pass on your kind message when I meet his grandmother Esther over a scone next week. We're off to Castlepalooza Festival.
I also believe Niall himself to be a regular contributor to this column under the pseudonym, 'Diarmuid.'
I broke into my own house on Saturday night off my head on Bacardi Breezers and three half-pints of Guinness.
Anyway, the boys walked in on me the following morning with my lad in my hand, moonwalking to Jason Derulo's hit single 'Want You To Want Me,' with my naked body covered head-to-toe in glue and baking soda.
The question is, how do I remove the glue without destroying my skin? It's been the bones of a week by now and I've had to type this entire email with my left hand.
I really am getting sick of this, Diarmuid. You're going to have to cop yourself on a small bit.
Anyway, regarding your lad-glue issue, not to worry.
Superglue has one weakness: acetone. Acetone is often found in household nail polish remover. A small amount on the end of a Q-tip or cotton swab applied directly to the glued area will dissolve the bond between your hand and your penis, without overly damaging the skin.
However, it will damage your pride, and may sting profusely.
My Son Is A Bit Of A Puke
I hope you can offer me some advice as you have wisdom of years behind you.
My son went to college in Dublin two years ago because he thought it would be better than any course being offered in our lovely Cork. I think he needed a bit of a change. But God I didn't expect it to change him so much.
He is gone from the lovely boy wearing Chinos and Abercrombie to wearing pink pants, navy shoes and has grown a beard like Jesus himself. He has lost his lovely Cork gloss and has now developed the new D4 accent that we all despise.
I brought him back a lovely Holister t-shirt from a recent holiday and he has no mass on it, saying he doesn't wear anything like that any more. Where is my lovely boy gone? Have you any advice on how to make him back to the lovely Cork culchie that he used to be?
It sounds like you need to give your son a bloody break from your shite, truth be told.
The most likely reason he has gone from a boy wearing Abercrombie to a man with a glorious, luxurious beard (I'm assuming) and pink pants is likely because he is comfortable with his manhood. And what's wrong with navy shoes? I must say he sounds like a class act.
Alternatively, he is struggling desperately with his sexuality. For all you know, he could be an incredibly gay young man. I'd be intrigued to know whether he's brought any women home to you lately, or how he voted in the referendum. Did he write about gay marriage in his blog? This would be a sure-fire sign that he's a homosexual. Which would be grand, as you wouldn't have to worry about some trollop using him to get pregnant and keep him.
Regarding the accent, I'm sure it's all in your imagination. There's no way any self-respecting Cork man would put on a D4 accent in any circumstance - and I'd include George Hook in that. But if his Corkonian tone is indeed fluctuating, perhaps it is his own way of rebelling against being dressed in cord pants and a waistcoat like a farmer's son until he was about 11 years of age.
Whatever the case, it's probably your fault!
If you're facing a personal crisis or are just generally curious about Maureen's swan, drop her an email at [email protected] You can remain as anonymous as you like.