I am pissed off.
As someone who watches television almost exclusively as a background noise while I use my laptop or do something else, adverts are the only thing that pilfer my attention with their awfulness. I acknowledge the irony in me spreading these ads further, but you all know them and don't need to watch them, and this is purely to have a good vent at just how poor they are.
Some ads in particular actually make me so angry that I vow never to buy the product that they are trying to stamp into my sub-conscious.
Bank Of Ireland - Rachel And Steve
This ad is actually so poisonous it can ruin an otherwise perfectly mediocre day.
Clash Of Clans - All The Budget Goes Into Advertising
Why are these stunningly animated, high-production-value mini-movies starring A-list Hollywood actors like Christoph Waltz trying to force me to download a "free" game that I then must form a gambling addiction around and continue to pump my money into a SHITE mobile game that serves absolutely no purpose?
In-App purchase games are not games. If they spend a fraction of the amount they spend on ads on the actual development of the game they could make something worth buying.
Mace - Romance In The Shampoo Isle
You know when you just casually fall in love on a majestically hazy sunny morning at a petrol station without pumps?
A delusional interpretation of life in Ireland. I will shop at Mace if it is extremely convenient for me to do so and under no other circumstances.
What the fuck is that nod he gives to your woman after she dropped the shampoo? That is not how people interact.
I've actually seen the guy who works in Mace in this out in Dublin before, people give him stick about this, he shouldn't have to live with that. Mace are to blame for that.
Hotels Combined - The Chap Who Never Heard Of Tabs
And here it is. The worst advert ever made.
I have looked at Hotels Combined and I know for a fact that they can save me money on trips in Europe, but I simply refuse to use them because of the hatered this advert instilled in me.
Allianz Insurance - "Ahhhhh (Would You Ever Feck Off)"
Whoever thought it would be a good idea to force people in their home listen to actors screaming repeatedly for 30 seconds is a sick, demented individual who I would personally like to kick in the bollocks.
FBD Insurance - "I'm A Robber"
If I was a feminist I would be absolutely furious with this ad. Most of the women I know would rip the arm off any fucker who tried to snatch their purse, much less one that casually explained what the fuck was happening as the women sits there and allows it to happen.
Also, is Claire fit to be driving a car? This woman is clearly not all there. A series of terrible things are happening and all she can do is continue on making the same face devoid of any thought. Kids in the back and all.
The screen cracking animation is shite as well.
McDonalds - Extreme Hardcore Wraps
The music is terrible, you don't see too many McDonald's employees with floral neck tattoos and bright pink eyeliner, and why does she treat making a wrap like she's creating modern art? It astonishes me that food companies don't realise that if you want us to buy food, put it zoomed-in and in slow-motion as you slowly tear it apart. That's how you sell food, just look at Facebook.
Listen to the lyrics, who is this ad targeted to? It's a fucking pulled pork wrap there's no need to dress it up like a rise against the system.
Secret Escapes - Psychotic Whisperer
Not only is it greatly annoying to have to listen to someone whisper, but this piece of shit ad that should just be an attractive couple having a great time in the sun on the cheap drags on for an eternity as an admittedly attractive woman with split-personality disorder talks to herself.
Carbon Monoxide Alarms - Threatening Canary
I am actually not getting a carbon monoxide alarm because of this creepy cartoon.
The last line is delivered like a threat, I'm sorry, but there's no other way to say it. This is a pretty serious issue so I don't see why something a bit more hard-hitting wouldn't be used, but the fecking jingle is incredibly irritating too. I have caught myself singing if a number of times and I hate myself for doing so.
Coke Zero - Dorky Brothers
This ad fails to be accurate to real life in every possible way. The relationship between these brothers is mind-blowingly false, and why are they always drinking freshly opened glass bottles of Coke? Like, I know it's a Coke ad and all, but glass bottles? Am I supposed to believe these kids are popping into a bar to buy an overpriced small glass bottle of Coke to carry around full all the time.
What point are they trying to make? And there is no chance that lanky kid would grunt and make three supposed bullies run away. I'd love to see how these brothers would get on in Dublin.
SEE ALSO: Opinion: Verified By VISA Can Fuck Off Back To The Hell From Whence It Came