A Foulmouthed Rant About Why Umbrellas Are Pricks


They're the fucking worst. They have one job. One fucking job! Yet what use are they? No fucking use!

I've had it up to here with umbrellas and the watery prick who invented them. What's the point in them? They only work when there's no wind yet the manufacturers have yet to cop on to the fact that with rain usually comes wind!

Umbrellas are not a device which offers protection. They offer nothing but rage, sadness and a wetter head than if you'd jumped into a swimming pool.


And what are the scientists doing to solve this problem? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, They're too busy bragging about the wonders of their new virtual reality inventions to worry about the actual reality about the man and the woman in the street spending most of a rainy day fighting with an umbrella that insists on getting caught in the wind!

The only innovation of umbrella making as far as I can see are these spring-loaded self-opening umbrellas, where you push a button and up it pops. What has this brought us? Nothing but hardship. You step onto a bus, trying to close the bloody thing and BOOM! it springs back open and takes a small child's eye out.

You try to lock your front door on the way out, the umbrella flies off down the street. You walk down the footpath, the umbrella gets caught in a lamppost....

And you know what's worse than an umbrella? Dickheads with an umbrella! Those fuckers who insist on using a large golfer one when walking down the street, knocking the heads of people. Or at a funeral, serving only to drip a bucketload a water every minute on your shoulder. Not to mention, the slow walkers. Those bastards.

As for those jinits who keep them up long after it's stopped raining. You can fuck off and all!

I'm done with umbrellas. I'd rather get drenched to the bone then give those gobshites another cent of my hard-earned wages.

The only thing they're any good for is scaring goats.


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Mark Farrelly
Article written by
Cavan bureau chief. Former Miss World 1997 contestant.

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