Jaysus, lads, 'tis warrum out. If you're struggling for sleep in these tropical Irish temperatures at the moment, we've got just the tonic.
Of course, for all you know, this could be one elaborate mirage. But trust us. Here are some tips for surviving those unbearable summer nights, when stretching a window open to breaking point just isn't enough.
Leave The Fridge Door Open
Risky business, but needs must.
Sleep In The Fridge
Very extreme, but during an Irish heatwave you're tempted to try it. Of course, it's too foolhardy and ridiculous a manoeuvre - you'd probably die, for one thing! So sleep with your feet in the fridge instead.
Sleep In Your Garden
I've done this plenty of times by accident, and it's actually not that bad if you drink enough to sink a medium-sized naval vessel beforehand.
Unplug All Electronic Devices
This one is actually a real suggestion; electronic appliances emit small levels of heat that collectively warm your house. Plug 'em all out, bar the fridge you plan on sleeping in.
Turn Your Pillows So Often That You Become Too Shagged To Stay Awake
If you do it every three seconds you should fall asleep from the sheer hassle of it within 1 hour and 57 minutes.
Invent An Ice Water Bottle
You can't invent it now, I just thought of it. I'll be filling my HWB with dry ice and snuggling into bed while you try to get comfortable in your extremely narrow fridge-freezer.
Buy A Fan
What are you, an idiot? (Note: it's possible that we don't sell fans in Ireland. Who even knows?)
Do A 'Rain Dance' Of Some Description
Another way of knackering yourself to the point of emotional turmoil and physical exhaustion.
Freeze Your Sheets
Well, don't freeze them solid, obviously. But place them (wrapped) in the freezer for a few minutes, and prepare to dream you've joined the Jamaican bobsleigh team.
Hang A Wet Sheet In Front Of An Open Window
The breeze from outside will cool the boiling Irish air and ease your suffering.
Eat A Bag Of Ice For Dinner
The chilling starvation will likely cause you to feint. Alternatively, the dentist will put you under.
Buy a Chillow™
For cool, soothing comfort. This entry is sponsored by Chillow™.
Break Up With Your Significant Other
A hugely underrated option, and cheaper than a Chillow™. It'll be easier to explain than why they have to sleep on the couch. When October comes, just act like you were on a break.
Have A Cold Shower Before Bed
Another genuine tip. Cold showers reduce your core temperature. You might just nod off before you reheat in these sub-Saharan conditions.
Cover Your Own Pillow In Shaving Foam
The unrelenting bullying Irish Junior Cert students endure at Irish College is known to produce some of the coolest slumbers in Irish society. Alternatively,
Shave Your Own Head
Sure the heat will practically bounce off your shiny new dome.