Housemates come in various shapes, sizes, noises and smells, and almost every one of them - no matter how much you love them - is a piece of human garbage in their own right.
Bringing friends back after a night on the sauce, typically when you have college in roughly three hours, isn't even the half of it. These are the real housemate struggles:
1) They finish the milk/teabags
You wake up in the morning. They're gone to work. You open the fridge. It's all over. YOU MOTHERF-
2) They sit on the edge of your bed, while you're in bed/possibly hungover
What in the world do you think you're doing? This is my space. Are you comfortable there? How about a boot up the hole?
3) They leave their shit all over the place
Look, we're all at it, but let's not get to that point of no return. There's a plate with pizza crusts there since Tuesday and I'm fairly sure if I poked it, it'd start talking to me.
4) They clean up their shit
Well now I have to clean too, you inconsiderate prick.
5) They watch videos on their phone as you watch tv
Actually, this is no joke. The very height of ignorance, and the sign of a rancid bollocks of a human being.
6) They make a habit of boiling the kettle at an absolutely crucial plot point of a tv show
I've just had to turn the volume up a full eight bars, so you better be making me one.
7) They blare insanely bad music at any given hour
8) They shave/trim in the shower
Causng you to shower upon an actual carpet of pubes.
9) They have a better day than you
You piece of shit!
10) They take the HDMI lead out of the Sky/UPC box to use it for their laptop, and leave it out
11) They retain the eerie ability to plan showers just as you're about to brush your teeth
What the hell am I supposed to do for the next 10 minutes, scroll through social media or something?
12) They lack tea towel etiquette
Very important. Using tea towels to dry around the sink. Using tea towels to wipe curry off their faces. Using tea towels to wipe their hands after handling raw meat. Tea towels should have one purpose, and one purpose only; to be used as makeshift oven mitts.
13) Take the bin bag out of the bin and leave it beside the wheelie-bin
The ultimate mind-fuck, and a chilling indignation to find yourself on the wrong end of. Why, you ask yourself. Why did they not complete the job having done the hard part. The answer, of course, is rather straightforward. Your housemate is an arsehole.
14) They make a big deal out of leaving a key out (for you, Damo, ya bollicks ya!)
15) They have weird television obsessions
You come in from college or work and they're halfway through a Grand Designs double bill or a Fair City omnibus, and there's no sign of it letting up for the night.
16) They don't wear socks
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is worse than the pube carpet in the shower. Get those crusty abominations out of my sight before I end your lineage and salt the Earth.
17) They go to the gym while you watch tv
Guilt mongers. They return with an air of superiority and you're still picking Doritos crumbs out of your hair/beard.
18) They fart in your direction
I honestly have no idea how people can take such immense pride in such a distasteful act.
19) They wake you to ask for a condom
At the same time, think of it as an investment; it's better than being woken by their child 9 months down the line.
20) They make sex noises
I understand they have no control over the noise made by their partner in crime, but the last thing I want to hear at 3 o'clock in the morning is my own friend grunting, yelping or heaving like some sort of rabid wildebeest. Wind it in a small bit, for Christ's sake.
21) They wear your clothes
And they'll bloody flaunt them too, usually on instagram or a Snapchat Story where you can't reach them. Your favourite t-shirt is looking well at 'obligatory pints' in the departure lounge at Dublin Airport.
22) They study for exams
This especially applies to housemates from the same college course as yourself. Their inexplicable ability to switch off and hit the books upstairs only further catapults you into the abyss of procrastination. It's arguably the most selfish, twisted act in this entire list.
23) They fail to provide a warning after nearly blowing the bowl off the jacks
A small bit of decorum would be appreciated. I could smell it from the stairs.
Tags:
